Songbook
by DARK WRYDER
Summary: A song from Yuki to Shuichi that Eiri writes on the spur of the moment in Shuichi's songbook starts a chain of events. Turns out Shuichi isn't all rain and sunshine. He decides to remove his masks and uncover his past but theres always problems.
1. Insist

Insist 

I ask myself if you are the one

if its wise to trust again

I scold myself for such thoughts

I scorn myself but these feelings I have within

continue to live on

Even though my heart is filled with doubt

somehow

You are the one that reminds it to beat

Even when I protest

You insist on investing your time (your time)

Your heart (your heart)

Even though it will be broken

(You are the one...the one)

Who reminds my heart to despair

Even when I protest

You insist that I care

And yet somehow I know that you're right

And yet somehow I still need to fight

'Cause I don't want to Remember that I can be this way

Something in my mind says its not okay

But somehow you're in my heart

the one that I forgot was there

You are the one who reminds my heart to beat

conviced that once more I can achieve this Feat

Even though I protest

You still insist that you know something I don't that you know that this is right

But I don't want to believe I can be like that

Don't remember if I was like that

If there was a time when I held a flame

I don't hold it anymore

but you claim that theres still light

when I see nothing but the Light inYour eyes

and even that makes me lost and confusd

I'm feeling things when my hearts so

unused, 'cause you're holding a candle

you lend me your sol

But I don't want to believe I can be like that

Don't remember if I ever was the way you are

But I know something clicks in my head

Something that needs to be said

it has no words

but you show it to me everyday

make me wonder what is is

itsOnly you who reminds my heart to live

Thinks that its still there

Even though I protest

You still provethat I care

You insist that I live that theres something to live for

But all there is, is you and you're something to die for

when I forgot it was there

you made my heart contract painfully when its so unused

helpme correct my sight when its so abused

try to drag me from the past

Even though I protest

somehow I know that you're right


	2. Confused

Confused 

I wanna be the one 4 u

cause I kno somehow u're da one 4 me

and nothing would make me more happy than being able to take care

of thee.

and everytime I see ur smile

i no u luv me from da way u touch me

and i no its worth all the pain all ur

frowns of disdain

and ur eyes they take my heart away

i can't open up ur mind and

force you to come and play

but everytime you beckon me I'll be out here waiting

baby knocking at your door

convince u its not raining

so u'll think u can spare a second

4 us 2 sit and chat

and when u go back inside I'd

luv 2 be dragged along

and

baby i no u luv me from da

way u touch me

i no its worth all the paine all ur

frowns of disdain

baby 4 u i no its worth da wait

but baby sometimes I get so confused

cause it seems ur glares are full of hate

(and baby sometimes I get confused)

when I'm spending time with

you and u call me cute

heaven seems rite next to us

but baby i get so scared cause

u don't say things like dat.

I hesitate and we start to fall

maybe I'm 2 blame

I pushed u 2 far

and we started to fall

now heaven seems so far

away , and this doors separating us

baby i'm knocking at ur door

and waiting patiently

baby i no u luv me from the way u touch me

i no its worth all my pain and

all ur frowns of disdain

2 wait 4 u to invite me 2 stay

and baby sometimes I get so confused

baby i no u luv me

but i need to hear u say it

baby sometimes i get so confused

i need 2 hear u say it

tell me u love me

tell me u love me

baby I get so confused

all i have is u 2 lose

baby thats to big 2 risk

tell u love me say it like this

i love u i love u i love u baby (2x)

even a whispers not something i'd miss

tell me u love me

tell me u love me

cause baby i get so confused

"Well thats done its not my best work, but its gonna keep that rash of a man from shooting at me for at least a day if I don't do something stupid." Shuichi pauses to open the front window and sit on the sill with his grey songbook. ' Fat chance...I Shindou Shuichi... I ALWAYS do something wrong.' he sighs knowing the outside world would pause in shock at seeing the thoughtful look on his face and from hearing the resigned sigh come from his mouth. ' God... I'm tired of this facade.. I'm tired of the person I've become...my only escape is my music and even that pulls me back. I can't express myself in my songs any more... the feeling wouldn't fit with the person people think I am. And to think I did all this to myself. Hmmph, the fates have me in a royally screwed position' Shuichi lifts his head to a passing breeze before a page flapping with the wind in his songbook catches his eye. He turns to inspect the page and immediately recognizes his lover's neat script.

'...Wait..., I immediately recognized his handwritting?'

'hmmph,... I guess love does that to you. About the only real thing in my life is my love for Eiri so I guess I do my best to memorize him from inside out' Shuichi's eyes skimmed along his lover's words the pang in his heart growing with each line. ' Is this about us? Do I make his heart contract? It seems like he knows so much more about our relationship than I do.'

Shuichi sighs once more before he gets up and closes the window . Its not altogether positive to be doubtful but the real Shuichi is a born pessismist and he has to make sure Eiri really wrote these lyrics. After all hes a novelist not a lyricist. Shuichi makes his way across the living room to stand in front of the door to his lover's study. He plasters a stupid smile on his face and proceeds to burst the door open. He bounces across the room waving his song book in the air until he gets to Yuki's side and gets that I- have-better-things-to-do-than-have-this-conversation-right-now look fromEiri.

When Eiri finally realizes that today said look won't drive off his lover (like it ever does) he starts their unavoidable conversatin with a "What? I'm working. "

"Ummm... Yuki" asked Shuichi in a hesitant tone ' Yeah, I can't even find the courage to call him by his given name' "Did you write this new song in my notebook?"

If Eiri was at all alarmed, shocked, timid, or undergoing a revelation or remeberance; his face wasn't showing it and you could ask the psychotic paparrazi photographer across the street with binoculars looking in on them for confirmation of that. However, both men knew that he was despite the fact that Eiri answered with an emotionless "Yes" before turning back to his laptop and continuing to type his current novel.

"But...Yuki...why? I mean you're a novelist not a song writer"

"The word is lyricist, and I don't know. I was having writers block but somehow song lines started running through my mind. I didn't mean to intrude but it was kind of calming." Eiri winced as he made this confession.

"It... its not an intrusion,.. Yuki its beautiful. And...well if it helps, you can write in my books anytime ,...but,...just...can I sing some of the songs you write?" At this inquiry Eiri looked up to find his own amber eyes locked with the ameyhst ones of his lover.

"Sure... whatever." After hearing that Shuichi decided he didn't want to press what really wasn't an issue ight then. He muttered an "Okay, thanks." and backed out of the room and closed the door. Both men stared at thee door from their respective sides before turning back to their work.

As a novelist and a song wri...oh excuse me..., as a novelist and a lyricist.

Hey readers! Welcome to the songbook! Ok so it was just a one-shot songfic before but I realized I could tie it in with a story I planned on writing anyway. In my profile its listed as Who I Am but I'll get around to changing that eventually (I hope). Also I know this story is listed as Insit but I'll change that too. Anyway these are my other auther personalities with their usual after chapter banter:

DARK WRYDER: We (as in me, but with a lot of personalities) didn't intend on making this a story but since it is now...

Suicide's Note: We would like to respond to the one reviewer of the songfic.

WRY-chan and Sui-chan: Said reviewer wrote an essay on Muhammad and his affinity for children which the author did not fully read.

WRY-chan: However, the last sentence of the review said that the author was a bitch and should worship the reviewer and Muhammad.

Sui-chan: And that the reviewer didn't care how bad he author's reading and writing skills were.

WRY-chan: Apparently this reviewer does care because they spent the time to write an essay, which I reccommend that you guys who actually read authors' notes, read.

This is DARK WRYDER and Suicide's Note signing off!

Suicide's Note: R&R!

DARK WRYDER: Yeah, read and regirgitate!

Suicide's Note: WRY-chan! ((shoots WRY-chan till dead))

WRYDER: Now thats ironic. Suicide commiting homicide.


	3. Body Systems

Warning (cause i forgot before):Language, SLASH, YAOI, MALE/MALE, BOYS GETTING ALL KISSY FACED, SHONEN-AI,

BOYS' LOVE got it? might be some preslash scenes. Won't post any 'till I'm sure no one I know will be reading this. If this isn't your foam cup of frappucciono, well... what the heck are you doing in a gravi story?

DARK WRYDER: We're

Suicide' Note: being

DARK WRYDER: LAZY TODAY.

Suicides' Note: Maybe we'll grace you with our snarkiness later.

-Body System-

Shuichi smiled down at his still sleeping lover while he packed a bag for work. All the neccesities, pencils, pens, paper, pocky, and fourty-five minutes to make a twenty minute walk to work, where, hopefully, someone had managed to heavily sedate his gaijin manager. Before leaving, he left his songbook, open to a clean page, haphazardly on the coffee table and set the bedside alarm for 10:30. Yuki had a noon meeting with his editor and would be getting a new assignment today.

"Shuichi!", was the first thing he heard as he got off the elevator on the music studio floor. He whipped his head around and, being as practiced as he was at randomness, didn't get whiplash.

"Hiro! Ohaiyo!"(sp?), with that Shuichi launched into a full glomping sprint (which involves running with hands open to a 150 degree angle, staying at almost full height and finishing with a massive,... well... glomp) and crashed through the studio door as Hiro smoothly stepped to the side. He loved how Hiro knew him so well. After getting up and brushing himself off he had to blink twice before realizing that he was staring down the barrel of a gun. "Um... K-san this isn't your magnum."

"Although I'm glad you have finally taken an interest in guns we can talk about this later", then he growled out, "Microphone. New Lyrics. Now."

"H-hai. Heehee. Sure K-san just put down the gun so I can out my bag on the desk and take my book out."

"Are you telling me what to do Shindou?"

"No,...I...just,I...mean,er." K put the gun down with an evil smile and Shuichi took out his book and ran into the recording booth. Fujisaki started the music and cued Shuichi to start singing.

_Sometimes I wish,_

_things were new again,_

_and I could trust myself,_

_to not bring it all to ruin_

_I could, I can, analyze this world_

_rationalize my thoughts_

_make my actions fit your word_

_prevent things that I have wrought_

_Suddenly I'd be fully me_

_and then I'd be scared of the bitter taint I see_

_Every word, every pain_

_a chess piece in this game_

_if I stand in the storm maybe I'll ignore the rain_

_break out a smile to keep me sane_

_the body systems are taking me through the motions now_

_and I will, sometimes I do, forget the rainy days_

_when I got burned because I didn't look away_

_((lets cling to what we have))_

_let in the fore there be love_

_I'll rain joy from the skies above_

_Every word, every pain_

_a chess piece in this game_

_standing in the storm, baby, I've ignored the rain_

_breaking out a smile to keep us sane_

_seeing the systems means I've been thinking way too much_

_I'm ignoring the past's flame,_

_licking at my vein._

_our secrets that we hold_

_mine are locked away_

_a long time ago_

_I was covered in dripping blood_

_and I chose happiness over truth_

_but thats unfair to you_

_baby stand with me perhaps together we can face the rain_

_Every word, every pain,_

_a chess piece in this game_

_where I refuse to sacrifice my royalty_

_and I am standing in the rain, baby, I can feel the water_

_come face the rain with me so I won't go insane_

_our secrets that we hold_

_mine are locked away_

_I'm ignoring the past's flame_

_thats licking through my veins_

_microscopic, nanorific, scientific investigation_

_show me all the body systems_

_and I know how all of it works_

_I know how the world works_

_Can you face how my world works with me?_

_Every word, every pain_

_I can share it every day, maybe if we face how this world works_

_this chess game that I play, I could use a partner_

_to prepare me for every defeat_

_and this rain I know its real_

_I need you to help make the storm beatiful_

_fill my smile full of reason_

_a reason to be insane_

_because I want to not because I need to_

_can I trust you this way?_

He took a deep breath and fumbled with his notebook in favor of look through the studio glas at shocked faces. He, Shuichi, had wrote it. It had been while he considered how to handle his relationship with Yuki. The song rang true, every part of it. He'd pushed a past life away and now the memories were starting to come back, as if something were about to _happen._ Worst of all was that he knew he needed to _tell his friends and Eiri_. He walked to the studio door and opened it, stopping at the threshold and looking at the reat of his band. They, were frozen looking at him in shock, although K was looking from the empty studio mic to the speakers to Shuichi and back looking likehewas trying to fight a grin.

"Shuichi wha-?", was all Hiro could get out. Shu was hardly ever liked this and Hiro's brain was working over time, processing the changes in lyrics.

"Shuichi, we're gonna strike gold! That was mushy enough to keep your fans and metaphoric enough to attract new ones!", said K, ever the money making American.

"Ahem. Shuichi, as producer and friend I'd like to know is anything wrong?", and, of course, Suguru is trying to get to the heart of what could be a problem.

"Iie, everythings fine Fujisaki. I'm just gonna take five.", Shuchi grins. Suddenly K straightens himself up.

"Like hell you are! We gotta run with this new style 'o yours Shindou!" As K starts to go for his gun, thunder erupts and the ground vibrates before everything goes back to sunny, smoggy, Tokyo normal. "Hn, third time this week.

Shuichi starts to chew on his bottom look and glaces through the window out at the sunny sky suspiciously. "Umm, K? Can I leave early today? I promised my mother I'd go see her after work."

Hiro regard him with a strange look, but Shuichi ducks his eyes so they don't meet Hiro's, and K replies "I don't see why not...IF we get four songs done today!" Shuichi grins madly and barely resists glomping K. One never knows if that gun might go off in such a tumble. Surely, K doesn't know what a safety is. Everyone relaxes at his in-character behavior and they fall into the everyday band routine. Although Hiro continued to shoot Shuichi unnoticed strange glances, since when was he meeting his mother this week?

-

DARK WRYDER: Hey guys. Heh Heh. Sorry about not posting for a while. I didn't abandon this story, really, it was writers block mixed with laziness mixed with a ton of homework and good and/or bad weather. My writing habits suck.

Suicide's Note: I probably have no right to say this, but R and R?

DARK WRYDER: Yeah, regurgitatate and rewrite.

Suicide's Note: shoots DARK WRYDER

DARK WRYDER: Hey, you're Suicide. You're not allowed to commit homicide!


	4. Cue the Madness

Cue the Madness

DARK WRYDER: ... ... Um... I'm...sorry? I really should have done this long ago. But yeah, well, school. And...um ... laziness?

Sui-kun: Yeah we suck for making our 6 reviewers wait so long. They've probably forgotten about us.

DARK WRYDER: Yeah he sucks.

Sui-kun: _We_ suck. (although its really just him)

Wry-kun: I read that.

To help anyone confused I'll say that Shuichi was once somthing that he can't get away from, however, out of love, someone took his memory away from him. Now, maybe out of fate, he's getting it back. Getting a little fantasy/supernatural in later chapters.

**this is english**

Anyways...

Cue the Madness

"Okaa-san." He sits on the window sill in the living room, looking longingly out at the rain.

"Shuichi." As she delicately folds the laundry her eyes dart around in repressed energy. An energy her son has yet to learn how to control. She doesn't see it coming.

"What's happening to me okaa-san?" But he gives it to her. Knowing that she knows, because she _always_ does.

"I have absolutely no-" She double takes, not that he notices. Her voice is haughty now, and a little higher.

"Don't lie to me **Mother.**" He refuses to believe she doesn't know. Not after... He turns away from the rain and looks around the room now. He doesn't meet her eyes when she turns to him.

"Shuichi", her voice even higher, "I was not aware that you ... knew english." Shes folding faster now, and her knew bounces up and down as she slides to sit on the edge of the couch. "How could you keep something like this from me, your mother! The one who went through 13 hours of labor with you?", she's starting to revert to their shared hysterical ways, "Whatever happened between us? Was I a bad mother? DO YOU NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE? Did I.."she trails off as their eyes meet in the mirror across from her, next to the TV in the middle of the black wall unit. "Shuichi." He blinks and their momentary connection is broken.

"Okaa-san?" He turns back to the window, opens it. Walks across the royal blue carpet to sit next to her on the couch. She tosses the laundry aside and reaches beside her to turn off the phone on the antique endtable. They both lean back on the couch and rest their feet on the red coffee table. "Why am I suddenly wanting to go out into the rain?"

She sighs. "Shuichi, you were a peculiar toddler. You ran around the house with a child's abandonement and curiosity, but when other people were around you _unnerved_ them. Many a relative came to me about your _unique_ intensity. They told me how smart they thought you were but I could see they were careful to avoid you, and you, them. Eventually, you grew bored of the books and toys we bought you and strange things would happen around you." Here, she looks at him. His head is leaning on the back of the couch, her own large purple eyes looking back at her questioningly. "I immediately knew it had to do with my family and strove to keep you away from all gatherings including them. Eventually though, my father found out and he took you away to his house in the mountains. He told your father that it was a family thing and that was enough." She starts to bite her lip and you can see her age in the strained look of her eyes and the creases on her forehead.

"You see, randomly, people in my family are born with special gifts. My father trained you mercilessly in yours, but I was opposed. He increased you '_intensity'_ to a point that even I noticed. I wanted my curious little boy back, so I used my own, somewhat weak gift, to supress your memory of yours." He shifts now, to sit up and stare at her face. Their eyes meet and he looks away. "I only ever wanted to be a good mother to you. I was scared for your mental welbeing and for that of others. Your gifts were so intense, my father said you'd gotten them from someplace other than where our familu gets our percularities. He wanted you to be the ultimate warrior, and you were; cold and composed. After I took your memory, I'm afraid that you felt something missing; you overcompensated in your need for affection and things to occupy your time. Before you got into music you seemed so lost. I'm sorry if my spell hurt you, but I'm not sorry for doing it."

"**Mom?" **He uncertainly tries out a foreign language that rolls off his tongue nevertheless. **"I have a living grandfather? What kind of gifts do I have?"** He jumps up, suddenly excited and completely believing her. Okaa-san never lied. "Is this why I always feel so jumpy, and just.. bursting with energy? Why-"

"Shuichi." she sighs, "Just leave it alone, forget about it. Things are better this way."

Hes confused now, "Okaa-san?"

"Shuichi, _PLEASE!"_shes standing now and obviously irritated. She reaches up to grab him by the shoulders, "Lets not speak on this again." , she soothes down his shirt and parts his chest, "Now, I'm sure your Yuki-san is waiting for you. You're late are you not?"

It comes to him unexpectedly, an even monotonous, "Yes, mother.". He walks out of the room into the foyer. The look at each other through the archway before she blows a kiss and he takes his jacket and bag and leaves.

She watches him through the window until he is out of sight and then she sits on the couch and returns to the laundry. "_Oh, Shuichi_." she sighs, "I'm afraid you're starting to remember because I'm dieing."

Shuchi turns the corner and leans against the window of a bakery. He rubs his eyes, suddenly tired, streches and yawns. He looks up and stare at the moon that can be seen in the fading firelight of the not-quite dusk. He takes a deep breath and smiles. "Sorry Okaa-san, I can't listen to you this time.", and now, gaining momentum, he stands up right, "I will venture forth into the unkno- er- once known.", his fist is in the air now, "I shall make one giant step for Shuichi kind! Tomorrow! Way to much heavy thinking for today." And with that he skips off, humming a new beat.

Oh my god

Theres a new fire in the water

Oh my god

the horizons about to explode

get this shot

we're approaching a Kodak moment

make this count

prepare to go- all out now

Lights! Camera ! Action!

Cue the madness

Chaos and distress

no more simple Simon says

I'm desparately searching for you and for me

Cue the madness

Hey wait

everythings

gone from black to blue now

beaten by the world, and the crowd

screams for more, but not now

isn't safe nor is it sound

but my house is my home

Lights! Camera ! Action!

Cue the madness

Chaos and distress

no more simple Simon says

I'm desparately searching for you and for me

Cue the madness

Cue the madness

Oh Whoa

suddenly seeing further than ever before

Its seems I've started standing (standing)

on the shoulders of, of, of

giANTS

many more (many more many more echo)

have been

faster, cleaner, steadier than us

but never stronger than us

We want love

We want fame

We want fun

and We want games

We know that nothing will be the same and we're willing to change

Lights! Camera! Action!

Cue the madness

and Under duress

don't need no Simon says

desperately finding us

Cue the Maaaaaadnuuuuuuuussssss

Cue the Madness

I'm ecstatic

Never been so frightened before

Cue the Madness

cause we have it

we can do it

Cue the Madness!


End file.
